I decided at the beginning of the month to let go of my goal of finishing the first draft of my novel by the end of the year. I am bang on track, with only a few chapters to go, but then I read this on Being COA is a Thing. It is a fictional piece written from the perspective of being the eldest child with an alcoholic parent. It is totally me. The child that copes by being perfect and achieving - by telling the world they are 'fine' by being sports captain and getting top grades. It's how I've coped all my life, I love work, I love to achieve. I can still remember the high I got from completing my Egypt project and being the netball captain in Year 6. I was ten.
Me at 10 - the girl who already loved to achieve
It's hit me how much I am still addicted to achieving - the self-esteem it gives me and the external validation I am always craving. I gave up work two and a half years ago, I was depressed and I wasn't coping well, once again far too stressed with my striving to be the perfect employee. It was just before my second daughter was born, but when she was only 12 weeks old I enrolled in an adult education course on how to write a children's novel - I've been writing ever since. I've never once allowed myself to have a break, to be just mum. On the first morning, I didn't write, I was dry retching, just like my dad when he hadn't had a drink. Working and achieving is still very clearly my crutch.
It's time to let go. I also need to surrender my time anorexia. I don't know if time anorexia is an actual 'thing' but it's what it is to me. It is just like how my food anorexia was, but with time. I hate putting things in the diary just as I hated putting food in my mouth, it makes me feel totally out of control, I don't know if it will be too much for me (just like the food) and whether I'll be ok (again, just like the food). I'd feel safer if I never had to commit to anything. But, all of this is ruling my life, I am constantly in a battle with time, there is never enough of it and what I have done with my mornings off is never good enough.
I started working on all of this with my energy healer on Monday night - there are many layers to delve through! We first worked on my belief 'I can't cope with everything I have to do.' We worked on releasing it, all the pain in my solar plexus, with tapping and positive affirmations. The next layer was control. I still believe others are controlling my life, that's why I have used food and now time to try and regain that control. This is an illusion, no-one has control over me - it is safe for me to be powerful and take charge of my life.
Yesterday, I discovered more. I am also holding onto a pattern of panic. I wrote about this in July in Finding Myself. In this blog, I tell you how I spent my whole childhood in fight and flight and how I still always feel on edge like I need to do things as quickly as possible. I can feel it now as my fingers race across the keyboard, typing as if my life depends on it. I am of course safe now, but my inner child is not so sure.
I will keep peeling off these layers. All of these thoughts and actions are just another form of self-hatred and self-punishment, there is no love in them. I am finally seeing it for what it is, I have been living with it for seventeen years, if not more and I am fed up with it. I want to be free. This has to be the first step, wanting to change and admitting my powerlessness. I can surrender my thoughts and behaviours to The Universe, asking the Angels to cut the cords to these destructive ways and transcending them with light.
Archangel Raphael from Kyle Gray Angel Prayers Oracle Cards
Archangel Raphael's name means 'God heals.' He is the Angel to call on when you need healing of any sort, physical or emotional. Imagine yourself cloaked in his healing emerald green light.
I am perfect just being me. I am good enough. I don't have to keep proving myself to everyone, to believe I will find salvation in achieving. I have achieved plenty and it's never enough, I always want more. True salvation is in loving myself, to stop the self-punishment and believe, truly believe that whatever happens, whatever I do or say I am still loveable, I am still loved.